Oh, Stumbleupon! I’m not 14 anymore, stop it; no, seriously, stop it. I swear the weirdest shit pops up on that app. Including this article from getromantic.com. Oh, good lord.
Ok, I should preface. In My Humble Opinion (IMHO) is going to be a little fluff segment here from now on that has little to do with serious issues but is more about me letting my inner grump out. The internet is full of nonsense and I’m here to share my personal opinion. Now, back to this…. list. Good God.
I guess I shouldn’t be too harsh on this since these were ” submitted by our readers here at GetRomantic.com.” Fantastic.
The first tip is to “draw one of her arms above her head and lightly hold her hand.” That’s cute, I like that idea. Skin to skin contact; me gusta. Then…. kiss the inside of her upper arm. What? At first, I was confused. They couldn’t possibly mean that close to the armpit, right? Nope! “from her elbow down to her chest.” It goes on to suggest zigzagging your tongue down the same area.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I my pits either have deodorant on or I’m sweaty. Neither condition is one where I’d feel sexy if someone kissed/licked.
Sadly This seems to be a theme throughout this article. There seems to be some weird, vague fetishism in between pieces of generally decent advice.
Number two is kind of weird but ultimately not concerning.
Number three was almost romantic until… ” If they seem to love this, then place the tip of that finger in their mouth.”
DON’T FINGER MY MOUTH! HOW DARE YOU!? JESUS CHRIST! DID YOU GO TO KINDERGARTEN? DON’T PUT YOUR FILTHY FINGERS IN OTHER PEOPLES MOUTHS!!!!
….I’d bite you fast it’d make your head spin.
…Anyway, number four is ok. I really don’t think slowly kissing your way to my mouth will “drive me crazy”; though thinking this in depth about a stupid romance article might.
Number five pretty much suggested that I lick wine off my fiances lips. No. First of all, he has beard. I really don’t want to have old wine in that thing. Secondly, liquids were not meant to be lapped off of other people. Just… ugh this stuff is gross, what’s wrong with you people!? I can barely stand sticking my tongue in my partners mouth, are you kidding?
I’ve been awake for 19 consecutive hours; forgive me if my patience is wearing thin.
I wish there was a way for me to convey how much I want to face palm this one. “Play a kissing game” No. NO. NO! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ADULTS! Besides, what is the purpose of seeing who doesn’t kiss you on the lips the longest. If I didn’t kiss the hubby before he went to work each morning we’d probably go for days without kissing each other.
“Sensually whisper something a little bit naughty in their ear such as ‘I want you…’ or make up your own.” “I want you…. to clean your half of the dishes…” “I want you…. to do this really hard part in Zelda for me…” “I want you…. to dust. Seriously, you’re taller than I am and can reach behind the TV”
Could have written anything they wanted; wrote the most vague and cliche line ever.
Eight and nine are pretty tame and not all that interesting. Number ten just makes me crack up. Maybe it’s the insanity from critiquing this article but jesus christ.
“For each area, give them a quick kiss there, then whisper why you love that part. Move up and down their body sprinkling them with kisses and sweet words.” You know those trashy romance novels that you find scattered throughout Goodwill? The ones with weird relationships that have odd abusive standards? Yeah, I hate those; mainly because of this shit.
“I love your shin; it’s such an under represented part of the body. I love your calf; the subtle curvature makes drawing calves an art form in and of itself. I love you knee; you bends.”
Here’s the real reason I’m trashing this article instead of dismissing it. It’s like being 13/14 all over again. “How do I even kiss boys?” You smash you face against theirs and hope for the best, kid. I swear. Unless you are causing the other person pain do what makes you feel good. Kissing isn’t magical, it’s just another bit of skin to skin contact that has gotten overly romanticized in our culture. Also, diseases.
I’m going to go sleep now. Forgive me if I was overly harsh or bitchy. Again 19 hours of awake times has made me a bit grumpy and this sounded like a good idea. I might do more of these. Let me know. If no one says anything I’ll take that as “keep doing it”. So, complain, you fucks! I need all the criticism!